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CIAO!   
11:14am 19/12/2006
 
mood: calm
HA! i'm out of treatment..kinda.. but i am in a half way house now. i'm still kind of in treatment. i was "kindly" asked to leave cause i fooled around again with a guy..oops. i dunno. i miss him. i mean i actually like this one. but oh well. but i'm still going to two group therapies a week and one individual. if i do that for thirty days and don't screw up i'll complete treatment and then go into outpatient. but damn it is good to be out. i pretty much can do whatever i want as long as i'm home by curfew. i'm working a lot. i don't know if i mentioned that i got another job. FYE at the mall in boca. i love the people i'm living with though. its two duplexes. three houses are guys one is girls. and there's only three of us girls. but still everyone is awesome. i really don't dislike anyone i'm living with. last night me and four of the guys went bowling. it was fucking blast! i don't know! i'm having fun in life again! which is wierd cause its actually been a while since i've genuinely had a good time doing anything. but to throw everything for a loop, shaun contacted me. well he contacted my parents first. he called their house thinking i'd be there since three months had already gone by in treatment and he thought i'd be home. my parents said i was still down here and told him pretty much that he better not fuck up my treatment. he wrote me a letter though hoping to get some closure. i had written this huge letter and sent it to the jail but it came back. i must have just missed him. he's in treatment in toledo at some place i had never heard of. but he's gonna be there till april and then doing after-care after that. i miss him like crazy. i still am totally and completely in love with him. i know i've been fooling around with other people, but i dunno. maybe its a coping thing. cause the way i feel for him hasn't changed a bit. and i haven't even talked to him in four months now! i think i did a stupid thing though. i wrote him back, but thats not it. i put my fucking number in it, which totally defeats the purpose of using letters to get closure between us. i dunno. i just want to fucking talk to him so badly. SO badly. *sigh* maybe he won't call me. thats probably best. i just love him.		  
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08:10pm 27/10/2006
 
mood: accomplished
music: "living on a prayer" - bon jovi...from andrews cell phone
Hmmm. okay been a bit. went home last week for a few days. i don't remember if i mentioned that i was even going home. because i fucked up my knee i had to go home for an MRI cause my insurance doesn't cover stuff down here. it would have been about 900 bucks to do it here. so i went home because flying home and driving back was a lot cheaper. anyway, even though every doctor told me that i had a tear in the cartalidge it ended up just being a very very bad bruise. so thank the lord no surgery. but being home was good, yet kind of weird. as soon as i got into town we had to drive to the hospital because my mom was in the ER. aparently she's been sick and almost passed out during church. i dunno. she freaks out and i think she's a hypocondriac, but whatever. on the way to the hospital we pretty much drove right by the apartment where i was bying junk right before i came here. that sucked. then that night i went to an AA meeting and my psycho ex-girlfriend holly was there. our conversation: "your boyfriends in jail." "i know." "rich is in jail." "i know." "i relapsed two months ago...with your boyfriend." i don't know why but that pissed me off so much. i'm never surprised if she's using, and i knew that shuan was using. part of it could be that once when i was talking to him on the phone here he told that he thought holly was using cause she kept coming over asking for money from them. little did i know that they were using together. but in a way it felt like he was cheating on me. and that sucks because that means because of that fucking month that we were using together i really DO associate drugs with him. i honestly didn't think i did cause it really was a short part of our relationship. one month out of seven. but it was something we did together. its sick, but it was. kind of disgustingly special in a way, i guess. but lets see what else happened while i was there. oh, james... this guy is bad news. think i mentnioned him in my super long entry a while ago. abusive crackhead that made me sleep with his drug dealer..well he didn't make me but i didn't dare say no cause he sacred the shit out of me..still does. i saw him. i haven't seen him since last december, the day that i managed to get rid of him. i was in taco bell with my mom and i saw him. luckily he didn't see me. i told mom to bag up our food and i went to the car. but damn my heart was racing for an hour. other than those few things it was great. i haven't had such a good time with my parents in years. many years. and the drive down with my mom wasn't even that bad. two days on the road, but we had a good time. as long as i was driving things were peaceful. i didn't realize that i have developed this great amount of patience while i have been here. we got caught in so much traffic the first day and i just chilled singing along with the music while we were at a dead stop. if my mom was driving in it she was continuously swearing and screaming at the other cars. i was kind of funny, but a little annoying at the same time. hehe, i told her she should go into rehab to learn patience. but now i'm back, got back eight days ago. i'll have ninety days clean and sober sunday and will have been here three months on halloween, tuesday. doing an extra month though mainly because i need to get a job again. start hunting monday. OH! i'm in a show. i'm in a, well, weird production of Hamlet. its a five person cast. i play all of the female roles, which is only two: gertrude and ophelia. start rehearsals in december and the show goes on in february. the second third and fourth i think. maybe the fifth two. i know we're doing only five perormances though. started looking at halfway houses. just getting ready to get out of here i guess. alright, peace out!		  
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dude i'm going fucking nuts....sometimes   
09:11pm 05/10/2006
 
mood: awake
had really good phone session with my family today...really good actually. but damn i'm so frustrated. feeling impulsive. wanting to "act out" as they say... basically i just want to jump on a guy. it sucks. but i sabotaged my impulsivity as one of the staff members told me to do. so i did. came out and told a member of the authority here that was feeling like that. so it helps cause then i know i'm being watched so it kind of supresses it. been a little home sick too. missing friends...good friends. i talked to nick the other day. he's really the only friend i talk to on a regular basis. i'm doing..okay i guess. better than i was. my knee if fucking killing me. i go back to the doctor tomorrow, so who knows what will happen. if he says i need to get an MRI i might have to go home for it, 'cause my insurance doesn't cover that down here. it only covers meds. and without insurance its like 800 900 dollars. my parents say it would be cheaper to just fly me home and do it so its covered and then fly me back. or if i have to get surgery and we can get it scheduled fast enough i can just stay for that. i dunno. i'm just waiting to figure it all out. i'm fucking sick of waiting and putting it off. i haven't been as bored lately. laura, my therapist, has me doing a lot of shit, so that helps. hehe, i just got caught breaking a rule. i went onto my MySpace to show my friend Laurie pictures of my sister. its not on my internet pass so i'm sure it got logged. oh well, i don't really care, it was innocent. laura will probably give me shit for it on monday though. jason is such a dick. he's really the only tech here that's, well, an asshole. hmmm. jake just walked in and gave me this weird look. who knows...he's the one i basically slept with here. but i'm resisting! as hard as it is, i'm resisting! HAHA!!!!!		  
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jesus i'm worn out   
11:57am 02/10/2006
 
mood: stressed
life has been just..wierd i guess. i found out that shaun waas arrested one more time than i knew. and it was while he was telling me he was clean. yet while he was "clean" he managed to get arrest for paraphenalia, posession, and illegal usage. i don't know. thats what really made me let go. so i got better for a little while but now i'm just thinking about him all the time again. listening to the song that reminds me of us, reading his letters, all kinds a stuff. its just so fucking hard. plus i'm just struggling with fear. i'm at the point in my sobriety where i've always given up before. i'm just really scared of failing right now. i don't know if it was because my parents came to visit. it was really good! a lot like it used to be years ago. like early high school. and i think i just realized that if i fucked up again it would be a big disapointment to them...again. and the better my realtionship gets with them the bigger the disapointment it will be. part of me just wants to give up now so it doesn't get to that. i'm also struggling with, as its been referred to, "sabotaging my impulsivity." i told you about that whole thing with that guy jake here. well we both got honest about it with our therapists, so the whole thing, every detail, is out in the open. so i've really been trying hard to not do anything, i guess, bad. but he kept saying things to me that i was interprating as sexually. like he was trying to keep the idea of him and me on my mind, whether it be here or when we get out. so i had kind of an intervention with him. both of us and our therapists got together and i confronted him on it. i'm really proud of myself for doing it, i am. but at the same time i'm kicking myself in the ass cause i've really eliminated my last distraction that i have here. *sigh* oh! the other thing. i hurt my knee. i have no idea how. i could barely walk for five days. its getting better. the anti-inflamatory the doc must have put me on probably kicked in. and since it is getting better then there's probably nothing torn, which thank god means i won't be needing surgery. but still, everyone wants me to quit my job..and that sucks. but they're probably right that i will keep irritating my knee. i don't know. so i'm quitting my job today and i'm really not looking forward to that.		  
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today sucks   
04:25pm 19/09/2006
 
mood: sad
music: nothing as always
i'm in such a funk lately. just really down. not severly depressed, just never feeling any sort of happiness. i'm thinking about shaun so much lately. i wrote a breakup letter to him and presented it to my therapist today. i just don't know where he is so i don't know how to get it to him. i don't think he's in jail anymore 'cause according to myspace he logged on yesterday and today. i left him my phone number again but didn't get a call. and i know he got the message. i just don't know what to do. i just hurt. a lot. i love him so much, i really do, and this whole ordeal is breaking my heart. i don't want to let him go but i have to. its so fucking painful. and no one NO ONE knows that we used together for that month before i came here. well now someone does cause i told someone in my group therapy today cause i really want to bring it up tomorrow in group and i'm scared i'll back out. so if he knows he'll make me, and if i don't bring it up he's just gonna say it. so its coming out one way or another.....god this sucks so much.		  
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crazy times for chrissie   
12:58pm 18/09/2006
 
mood: crappy
music: TV commerical in the backround
jesus christ its been a while. i just looked and i think it was the twenty-eighth of june last year that i last wrote in this. kinda funny. SOOOO much has happened since then. i had actually, at about the time of my last entry had just started shooting heroin. yeah, crazy i know. yeah, brian ended up doing it again and i started up. that went on for a while. his parents even knew most of the time. eventually they wouldn't let us see each other, but still i snuck it to him. they put him in the hospital detox unit, he called me to pick him up, he stayed with me for the night, and the next morning i got a call from my dad: "Brian's dad just called me, said you guys are shooting heroin." of course i totally denied it and agreed to come to his office to do a drug test. so we went out one last time, got our morning fix, i dropped him off at home, went to my dads office and just confessed. it was pointless to do the test. since then i've been in and out of treatment....a lot. i've been admitted seven times, and so far have only completed one. i try and get clean then start up again, try and get clean and then start up again. its really sucked. the day my parents found out they admitted me into Focus in maumee where there is a two week program. i left the next day. i had ron come pick me up, one of my junkie friends. i used again then went back, home. i detoxed halloween. that is the worst WORST thing in the world. you feel like you're gonna die, you want to die, but you don't. its like the flu times ten. hot cold hot cold. constant sweating. the most awful leg cramps you could ever imagine. and the worst case of diarheea of all time. luckily, because of the Lamictal i was on, i only had to go through about 36 hours of it, instead of the usual five days. yeah, apparently my med suppresses heroin withdrawls. then i started on this medication Suboxone to help me with cravings (plus if you shoot heroin it puts you right into the feelings of withdrawl. but not for me. i tested it. i just didn't get high.) i also got into an out patient program. stayed clean till about right before christmas. i decided to try crack then. anyways, over the next, um, six months i continued to have a lot of trouble with shooting dope. i went a twenty-eight day program at the place called Glenbeigh Hospital. i completed that one, but did the bare minimum just so i could get out of there. surprisingly enough (yeah right) i started up again after a couple weeks of being in outpatient again. went away to a long term rehab in ypsilanti, MI called Dawn Farm. HELL!!!! A: literally it was working on a farm. drug treatment and working on a farm. they also decided that i really didn't have psychological problems, though i am diagnosed severly bipolar since the age of thirteen, and that i'm just a drug addict and it will all go away. stupid doctors. they decided to take me off my meds. i basically said fuck that and left. unfortunately my parents wouldn't take me back in and none of my friend would come to get me. so i thought about just staying, but nooooo. they told me because i started trying to leave that i have to leave. i was then taken to a homeless shelter in ann arbor...which had no room. homeless in ann arbor for a few days. someone told me about a Sister who buys people bus tickets home. found her and got away home. homeless in toledo for a few weeks. a big part of the time i got he wondeful opportunity to be a thief and a prostetute. that sucked the worst i must say. i eventually go off the streets. my boyfriend Shaun's sponsor took me in. Shaun and i met about a week before i went to Glenbeigh. i ran away from home not wanted to go and stayed at my other junkie friend mark's house. shaun was living there. we spent about five days together never once seperated. yes we did use together, but still it was very intense. we had an immediate connection. he is so amazing. on the fifth day he looked at me and said that he really wanted to have something with me but didn't want it to be like it was. so he went off to a detox unit and moved into a halfway house. i love him like i've never loved anyone ever in my entire life. but anyway, i got off the streets thanks to rich, his sponsor. still kept using behind their back off and on. unfortunately i got shaun started on it again too. no one knows that though. realizing that i really did need help i looked for another place to go. i found this really good place in boca raton, florida. Lifeskills. thats where i am right now. i've been here seven weeks today. compared to all the previous attempts at this i'm doing amazingly. i mean i still struggle at time. right now actually. but i'm doing really well. i even have a job waiting tables at this little place down the street. just recently i've been in this funk. i can to the conclusion a few weeks ago that i needed to break up with shaun. but unfortunately he's in jail right now. rich had us cash bad checks for him because he lost his job and now shuan is being charged with three felonies for forgery. which isn't fucking true! RICH signed those checks. but anyway my parents are cleaning up my side of the street with all that back home. but i finally wrote the letter that i want to send to him. it was really hard to do but i needed to get it out. i had kind of shut it out of my head for a while but now i'm being hit really hard with it. even yesterday i was trying to write some poetry and started looking through the letters he's written me that i keep in the back of my poetry book. as i was reading them Don't Know Why by Nora Jones came on the radio. that was the song he always loved to hear me sing. i lost it. and besides all of that i've just been feeling shitty. i'm really trying not to hide my emotions cause thats what i always do. even here i have. i'm always putting on masks or finding distraction ie: men. yeah, to the point of have a little rendezvous with one of them and trying to have sex. but i didn't work. he's diabetic and his blood sugar levels fuck with his "ups and downs" as he says. but here i am seven weeks into rehab, doing really REALLY well, minus the shitty mood. my parents are coming down this week so thats awesome! i'm so excited. this is the longest i have ever been away from them. but anyway, i need a cigarette really bad right now. so off i go.		  
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drama   
01:00pm 28/06/2005
 
mood: blah
music: psycho theme playing in my head
i quit...good bye livejournal people		  
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YAY!!!!   
10:53am 28/06/2005
 
mood: excited
music: just turned of jesus christ superstar
I LOVE THUNDERSTORMS!!!!!!!!		  
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i guess   
10:18am 28/06/2005
 
music: "whats the buzz" from "J.C.S." - Andrew Lloyd Webber
i guess sometimes i can be bitch, i overeact, i'm dramatic, i'm paranoid, but i can't help it. its just my personality. and i'm only bitch when i think someone is being another bitch or an asshole. but maybe i was misinterpreting. i dunno. i don't mean to be these things though. but i guess some people can't deal with it. i guess they don't have to. but it hurts if they don't try.		  
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erg   
12:08am 28/06/2005
 
mood: bored
bored.....and feeling very rejected tonight by people.....maybe i'll get hit by a car tomorrow....it'd probably feel kinda good....yeah, maybe.		  
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so...   
02:44pm 26/06/2005
 
mood: okay
okay sparky here's the deal....hehe......we're on a break pretty much. he just wants a little while to straighten some shit out, get his life together a little bit, get priorities straight, that whole deal. thats fine. i mean i was upset over the break up but i totally understood. but this does make me happy.... oh and apparently i should be in a mental institution...interesting. i really wonder who is saying all of this. and its more than one person...but people! do you really think i'm gonna listen???		  
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hmm   
02:22pm 25/06/2005
 
mood: amused
i wonder who this is that hates me so much......its actually starting to make me laugh a little		  
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its over   
01:53pm 25/06/2005
 
mood: crushed
hmm...and it happend over the interent....ah, the ways of the modern world		  
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a thought   
07:45am 25/06/2005
 
mood: crazy
i think i'm going to become abstinent. just cut every sexual thing out of my life. no sex, no masturbation nothing. for a looong time too. it only seems to cause problems. i come off as a slut or a nympho and apparently make people think relationships are purely physical. so if i eliminate it then all i have left are emotions....and a lot of pent up sexual frustration. but i actually think it might be a good idea. and maybe i'll become a hermit. just stay in my room. only leave if i have to. i don't need anyone. i need a new job, but thats it. just some way to make money. other than that, i'm in my room. chrissie d'amato the hermit. much like the crab. just sitting in its little shell unless it needs to move or eat. i'll just hide away in my shell that way i won't cause any problems for anyone. or maybe i'll just go nuts and become a coke head or something. blow all my money on, well, blow, and waste my life. thats an idea as well. what else could i do. become a nun. no can't do that. i don't have any faith. maybe i'll just leave this fucking town and never come back for anyone. no one. just me and start completely over again. maybe i will take my therapists advice and go to school in a different town in the spring semester. all i know is if this relationship ends, which it seems its going to, i'm gonna be single for a long time...or become a full fledged lesbian. i dunno. maybe i'm just being over dramatic. i do that often. but honestly, what do i have left to stay in this town for, or give my self freely to....nothing. absolutely nothing. maybe i should go into a mental hospital.		  
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evaporated   
07:38am 25/06/2005
 
mood: crappy
what i've kept with me and what i've thrown away
now where the hell have i ended up on this glary random day?
were the things i really cared about just left along the way
for being to pent up and proud?

woke up way too late feeling hung over and old
the sun was shining bright and i walked barefoot down the road
started thinking 'bout my old man
it seems that all men want to get into a car and go anywhere

here i stand sad and free
and i can't cry and i can't see what i've done
oh god
what have i done?

don't you know i'm numb, man, no, i can't feel a thing at all
'cause its all smiles and business these days and i'm indifferent to the loss
i've a faith that there's a soul somewhere thats leading me around
i wonder if she knows which way is down

here i stand sad and free
and i can't cry and i can't see what i've done
oh god
what have i done?

i poured my heart
and i poured my heart out
it evaporated....see?

blind man on a canyons edge of a panoramic scene
or maybe i'm a kite thats flying high and random dangling a string
or slumped over in a vacant room head on a strangers knee
i'm sure back home they think i've lost my mind

here i stand sad and free
and i can't cry and i can't see what i've done
oh god
what have i done?		  
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*nods*   
11:43pm 24/06/2005
 
mood: blank
music: people downstairs
you know what....i'm not gonna really have anything here pretty soon. i mean i'll have my family life. but thats it. i really don't have any friends. my friends are always those of who ever happends to be my significant other at the time. i used to have some. i lost them TO an exboyfriend. so its just me. i'll have to quit my job too. it'll be a little too much too handle. even with only being in the same room one day a week. i very often find out things are too good to be true for me. i'm not gonna let myself cry though. i do so often that its lost its meaning.		  
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uh   
07:01pm 21/06/2005
 
mood: tired
uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh.............tired.		  
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this is bullshit   
04:43pm 19/06/2005
 
mood: pissed off
alright, who ever the hell is leaving anonymous comments on my journal is really fucking immature. if you have things like this to say to me fuckin say it to my face. this is ridiculous.		  
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mood change   
11:46am 18/06/2005
 
mood: happy
music: the association - cherish
i am perfect today. brian and i worked everything out, i get to spend the night with him tonight, my relationship with my parents is getting better, i have two jobs so i'm making money.....unfortunately i'm probably working eight to nine hours tonight, but oh well. i didn't sleep at all last night. stayed up talking to brian online. just goofing around and taking random online quizes...it was funny. and fun......damn do i love this guy. absolutely love him. you know how people say when you meet "the one" you know it? i know it. this is it. i have no doubts. you know i always thought what marriage would be like and if it could happen with everyone else i dated. even thought maybe it would. but i was always a maybe. this is a defenite knowing. i'm totally falling in love with him.		  
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*smiles*   
02:56am 18/06/2005
 
mood: good
it was a good night....things seem to be going well		  
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baby4q2
 
 
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